I’m in a particularly contemplative mood and as my 27th birthday approaches I’ve realized there are some things I need to say. (Note: Please forgive the length of this post - I'm one of those people who find it really difficult to make it through someone's long diatribe, but this is something I really wanted to put out here and I hope you'll be able to stick with me. I promise, back to two sentence posts tomorrow...or maybe a contest...)
I think this has all started because I know someone who is going through a bad breakup, and I know there is nothing I can say to her that she hasn’t heard or that will help ease any of her sadness or anger, so I won’t try to, but I do have some things on my mind that maybe would be appreciated by her or any one of you.
I was a mess one year ago. I didn’t write a whole lot about my break up with Karl because it didn’t seem like the place. I have to admit that I probably tried to make my posts sound like I was having such a blast with my new single status just in case K decided to check up on me. I don’t think I wanted to hurt him, I just wanted it to appear that it was soooo easy for me to get other guys to look in my direction so maybe he’d realize what he’d given up. I’m not extremely proud of those posts, but I choose to leave them up and public.
So here I am, another year older and still single. I can honestly say that I’m happy with that status. That doesn’t mean I’m not still sad; perhaps I always will be in a way. However, I find it an easier emotion than being angry. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to see K or hear his name without being ‘punch-him-in-the-face ‘angry. I swore in the few weeks after the breakup that if I ran into him I was going to give him a piece of my mind and I had lots of barbs and accusations all ready to go that I wanted to hurl at him. I’m very glad to say I’ve been able to move past that. I think the day I did that was the day I truly started to move on.
And let’s talk about that phrase, “move on.” Maybe it’s supposed to be an uplifting idea, but at the time I just wanted to barf every time someone used it; and I said it too because I could never find the right words for what I was doing. Maybe what I was actually doing was learning to adjust to a new “just me” life. Of course I have absolutely wonderful friends and family who were such rocks and safe harbors for me for months. And if I have any advice to my friend I’d say, it’s ok to talk about it; it’s ok to write about it; I probably drove a couple of people bonkers because our conversations always ended up back at K and how I was feeling. We’d be sitting at lunch over burgers and I’d just burst into tears. I’m actually chuckling at the memory now. Of course you don’t want to dwell on anything for too long or take advantage of the kind ears and sturdy shoulders of your friends, but a good dose of dwelling and wallowing is definitely allowed right now.
I can’t pinpoint the day or even the month where I started feeling less sad. Time is a healer, but damn is she slow when you’re going through all that pain. But now that I look back, I can’t believe how fast this year went and how much I did and experienced. Trips, events, friends (old and new), and yes, even dates. I haven’t been posting very much about my dating life, mainly because I’m not seeing anyone exclusively, but also maybe because a part of me knows K probably reads this on occasion and while I think both of us would say we’re perfectly fine with each other getting involved with other people, thinking about that hypothetically and actually having to deal with it are two completely different things. And maybe some people will think I shouldn’t be concerned about his feelings or maybe others will see this as me not being completely over K, but that’s not it at all. I think it’s a real testament to how good a relationship we had and what kind of people we are that we can respect each others feelings even though we are out of each others’ lives.
When K and I first got together I was 23. I still don’t feel like much of an adult, but I know when I think back to being 23, it’s almost like I was still a child. There was so much I didn’t know about myself or what I wanted in a relationship and I think what K and I did have allowed each of us to grow over those three years and learn how to be good to another person. I feel really confidant in myself and I think that has just as much to do with the relationship as it does with me getting over the relationship. I feel like I am wonderful the way I am and in a way, that confidence is the one thing that’s gotten me much more attention now than I ever did three years ago. Well, that and a kick ass haircut and sexy shoes.
So how do I bring this rambling to an end? I want my friend to know that it’s not easy but she will get through this and you SHOULD NOT give up on finding another love. You have to have faith that it will happen. But first you have to believe that you deserve to have happiness and a person to share your life with. And maybe that’s a little Kum-Ba-Yah or fairytale-ish, but I honestly believe it.
I took a longer drive home today through a different canyon just to enjoy some of the sunshine and the breeze. I rolled down the window and turned up the radio and I have to admit, my mind wandered to K. He would have enjoyed the drive; we always enjoyed our road trips. And I know a year ago the thoughts, sights and sounds would have made me cry and want to go home and play wallowing music, but this time I took a deep breath and reminded myself that one day there will be someone sitting beside me on a road trip, but for the time being I’m content driving alone and not knowing who that passenger will be just yet.
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