I really believe that things happen for a reason.  Take this afternoon for example.  I ended up having to work a little bit of overtime today, which is slightly unusual due to the slower economy, and then I had to go a little bit out of my way to drop off a last-minute box to Fedex in 3Embarcadero.  I was about to cross from 2Embarc over Front Street when the light changed, so I switched directions and kept walking down Front towards Sacramento Street going past the new Wine Bar.  As I was walking I ran into some friends I hadn't seen in a couple months who were enjoying some wine outside.  I sat and chatted with them a bit but had to rush to go pick up my new glasses prescription and then catch the train to meet Laura for dinner.  I got to LensCrafters and even though they promise glasses within an hour and I had dropped mine off at noon, at 6pm they STILL weren't ready.  I made my frustration known and then said I'd see them in the morning.  I hate bad customer service. 
I finally made it down to the BART platform and instead of burying myself in a book or my crackberry like normal I took a minute to look around and lo and behold, standing only a few feet away was an old friend of mine from my Karl days.  It was weird and yet, I was so excited to see her.  I feel like one of the hardest parts of our break up was the friend break ups.  Not that any one ever had to choose sides, but it was just natural that the friends that Karl brought into the relationship left with him and the friends that I brought into the relationship left with me.  But it wasn't like there were two worlds to our relationship, so in breaking up, all of a sudden I was missing a lot of awesome people from my life. 

I had thought about emailing her many times.  We even ran into each other once a little more than a year ago, but at the time K and I were still in touch and I was positive that I'd be seeing her and our other friends again as if nothing had ever changed, but that never happened.  We exchanged info and I'm excited to say that we'll be going for drinks next week to catch up.  I think I really need this right now - I've been driving myself nuts lately about what to do about the non-closure that is my past with K, so I think talking with someone from that part of my life might help me figure out what I need to do.

What was interesting about how this afternoon played out was that if I hadn't been held up I probably would have grabbed an earlier train, and if I'd been late by another three minutes, then my friend would have been on her train by the time I got downstairs.  If I had been lost in my own world standing on the platform, we would have stood there next to each other for three minutes and then she would have gotten on the train without me even noticing.  Definitely...things happen for a reason.

So I'm frustrated. Burnt out.  I'm tired beyond belief of dating.  I know this is something I blogged about a little while ago, but I have more to say.   BIG SHOCKER.

So THIS GUY refuses to call me.  He'll text.  He'll even text that he'll call me.  But then he doesn't call me.  He texts that he wants to go out again, but he won't call me to set it up.  I have no patience for this.  If I have to remain alone for the rest of my life and adopt thirteen cats to keep me company, I would prefer that than give in to a lazy man and either agree to a date via text or frickin' call him myself.

It's not like I was in a twenty year relationship and now I'm out of the loop when it comes to dating.  There was texting when I started dating Karl.  There were guys back then that wouldn't call. They would email, they would text...I wasn't having any of it.  I can't help but just silently scream (or publically blog) each time a potential date reverts to texting.  WHY WAS IT SO EASY THREE YEARS AGO??????  Why did one date easily turn into a second and then a third and then before I knew it I couldn't imagine my life without him?  Why does no one measure up???  AUGH

I have another date this Friday with someone new.  Of course, there's nothing wrong with this guy (yet).  He actually called to ask me out and has yet to text me once.  This is promising.  But honestly, he's got a lot against him...I'm just too tired to be accomodating or patient. If this date doesn't go well, I'm not just giving up on online dating, but I'm taking a nice, long, indefinite break from accepting any dates from anyone. 

...Except Cory, because he's an awesome friend. Or Justin, because he's gay.

I meant to post this back on Valentine's Day, but there have been musicals (www.roltheatre.com) and birthdays and baby shower shopping going on, and I didn't have enough time to really get all my thoughts together.  There aren't many of you who read this that aren't my mom, so I apologize for the lack of content lately.  The shininess of Facebook is waring off, so I'm sure I'll have more things to say soon that take up more than a couple of lines.

Anyway, back to the story that's been brewing in my head. 

So Friday night I got an email from a guy that I had been out with only a couple of times, but it was a good start and I was genuinely excited about the prospect of going out on a third day.  So far he'd done everything right.  He asked me out via the phone, and NOT text message.  He planned both dates quite nicely; he even asked for suggestions for a good date place in the city from co-workers instead of waiting till we met up to ask me what I wanted to do or what I recommended.  He was a gentleman; he opened doors, picked up the check, made sure I got home okay.  It was nice to be doted on a bit.  He even paid me a few compliments. 

I know none of this is AMAZING.  But I've been on SOOOOOO many bad dates lately that even just the simple things, like telling me he's going to call and then ACTUALLY calling, have totally started to separate the clueless boys from the men.

Anyway, so here it is, the day before Valentine's Day and I haven't heard from this guy in almost a week and he said he was going to call on Monday.  So unlike him.  I talked it over with girlfriends and coworkers and none of us could make any sense from it.  Being the type of girl that doesn't dwell on guys that obviously aren't interested, meaning, the ones that don't call, this made me pause.  Was I mistaken?  Maybe I dreamed up how fantastic our two dates had been?  Maybe all his friends that he introduced me to on our second date thought I was lame and they were just being nice to me to my face?  Maybe he'd been in an accident on his way home from a business trip on Monday when he said he was going to call and he was in the hospital and couldn't use his cell phone?

Of course none of that was the case.  He HAD been a on a business trip that ended up lasting a few extra days and he told me that he honestly hadn't brought along his phone charger and he had no battery left to make any phone calls...and it's not like he has my number memorized.  I'm choosing to believe that.  But in the same email he said that he'd been thinking that although he loved the time we spent together that he thought we lived too far from each other to consider a romantic relationship. 

Sigh.  I guess I knew that it could be an issue.  We live more than an hour from each other and are both very busy.  There's no easy mutual location for dates.  Sigh.  But still, I thought I would be worth the little extra effort of driving into the east bay.

I'm bummed, but I'm fine.  This whole thing just kind of reminded me that this isn't the first time I've been dumped the day before Valentine's Day.  The first time was in fifth grade.  I was "going out with" Nick* for about a couple of months.  We were the equivalent of the prom king and queen of my fifth grade class.  We sat next to each other in class.  During the reading period where the whole class read aloud from a novel, we would scoot our desks together and read from the same book.  We never held hands.  We definitely never kissed.  It was a fifth grade romance.  He passed me a note that asked if I liked him and I checked the box yes.  We were happy. 

Until the day before my first Valentine's Day with a "boyfriend" when Nick's best friend came up to me at recess and said, "Hey, Nick doesn't want to be your boyfriend anymore."  And that was it.  I went from having a boyfriend in the morning and then no boyfriend after lunch.  We spent the rest of fifth grade in the same class and you could cut the tension with a spork.

The only thing that makes me feel better about this story is that Nick came crawling back in the 8th grade and I got to happily reject him.  But I digress...

So, two times I've been the dumpee pre-Valentine's Day.  It's tough.  I think I'm pretty cool. A good catch.  I might not be the hip, city girl I once was, but I'm usually up for most parties or activities.  Maybe my problem is that I've been trying way too hard lately.  Every single guy becomes a prospective date.  It's too much pressure on the guys and on myself.   I met Karl on a whim; a complete fluke while I was trying to fix Laura up with a date.  I wasn't looking, i wasn't trying, I wasn't even putting my best self forward.  The more I think about that, the more I figure that's going to be the way I meet my next significant other.  It's going to be when I'm not looking.

I've been a bit secretive about trying out online dating.  I've tried it and it has been a disaster to put it lightly.  Everyone tells me that i should try it (not knowing that I all ready am) because it's the BEST WAY to meet a lot of available guys.  Besides the main issues I run in to the most - no guys in my area, no guys in my area that are under 40, no guys in my area that are under 40, have a job and like to do something besides camp or play video games.  Besides those issues the main reason the online dating stuff kind of weirds me out is that on the flip side to meeting a lot of people all at once is that i'm being rejected by dozens of guys ALL THE TIME.  Online dating is just one big rejection after another.   Guys take a look at my profile and don't think I'm cute enough or whatever enough to write or even send a lazy ass wink.  Guys email me, i email back, they email, I email back and then NOTHING.  They don't ask for my number, they don't ask if we can meet, they just fade away.  OR, I meet a great guy, he asks for my number, he asks to go out, he asks for a second date before the end of the first, and then a week after the second date he decides he likes everything about you except that you live too far away in the wrong direction.

It. Is. Exhausting.  And Frustrating.  My heart still hasn't fully recovered from the non-closure of my relationship with Karl.  All the first and second dates over the past two years have just worn away what pieces of my heart I was able to put back together before jumping back in the dating scene.  I think I just need to be done for awhile.  I think I'm going to log off of all these dating sites and just go back to what I was doing - nothing.  This doesn't mean I won't date (mom, don't have a heart attack, and don't call me for a mother-daughter talk either, I'm fine), this just means I'll only be accepting dates from guys I meet in person or guys my friends set me up with.  The online dating world just isn't for me right now.

I've got plenty to focus on right now anyway.  I'm going to Vegas this weekend for a friend's birthday.  I have the Europe trip in April and I'm still in the process of learning Italian for that.  My room is a disaster; I really need to clean, organize, purge junk, buy adult furniture, etc.  I have to watch the first season of Lost so I can send back the DVDs to Cap't Dave instead of having a constant reminder of him sitting on top of my TV.  I also need more shoes and purses.  Really, I have plenty of things to do and focus on that having a boyfriend, or even a dating life at the moment will just hinder all my plans.

I still believe in Love.  I know it's out there.  It has just been kicking my ass a little too much lately, so I'm going to sit out a few rounds and try to get stronger and wiser before jumping back in the ring.

*Names have been changed**

**Except his name really was Nick.  I just couldn't come up with another name that sounded believeable.

UPDATE as of 11:19pm:  I have to add that another reason I'm hating online dating is because a majority of the guys that do email me CAN'T SPEAK ENGLISH.  I'm not talking about bad grammar, I mean they DON'T SPEAK THE LANGUAGE.  I'm not dating someone that I can't talk to or only wants to date me in hopes of a green card.  And the bad grammar drives me nuts as well.

Met up with Reepicheep for drinks and apps tonight. My dirrrty martini was exactly what I needed after my too long, no breaks, barely had time to pee day. I ordered two.

We chatted - all girly stuff that can NOT be repeated here due to the girlfriend code; but Jess did bring up a good point: just because I promised something months ago, doesn't mean that I should have to stick with it when so much has changed in the meantime. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing to express exactly what I want. Even if I don't get the reaction that I want, at least I'll know where I stand. And that's got to be better than waiting around for something or someone that may never show up.

But of course I've had two martinis and I may lose my nerve by tomorrow.

Bittersweet memories.

Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do, I still feel you, till the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much, than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free. Leave me be. I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am, and I'll stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be. But you're on to me, and all over me...

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground. You're neither friend nor foe, but I can't seem to let you go. The one thing I still know is that you're keeping me...down.

Sara B - Gravity

Today was the annual Golden Gate Park Pilarcitos Cyclocross Race. It was a good day, lots of photos were taken - I'll have to post later when I'm at a computer. FresnOakland was in full effect today - good job boys - can't wait for the next one.

I called K at his office to relay some info. Eight months later and I'm surprised I still have the number memorized.

I need more quiet time.

Three years ago today, my life changed.

Five months ago yesterday, my life was turned upside down.

The majority response I've received regarding the following statement:

"Yeah, so Karl showed up on my doorstep Saturday night."

No beating around the bush - karl paid me a visit saturday night. He saw me at the silveroak release earlier in the day up in alexander valley and I basically ignored him and chose to have a nice day with my friends.
It's quite a long story, and some of you have heard it and some of you will be getting invitations soon to have lunch and get the gossip, but here are the basics:

He's sorry. He feels bad for f-in everything up. He told me it wasn't my fault (DUH). He's got a lot to figure out with himself. And I'm wonderful and doing fantastic - well, he didn't say that EXACTLY, but we all know it's true.
After briefly yelling at him, I calmed down and let him talk. We talked and took a walk for about two hours. I'm not sure I qualify the whole thing as "healthy," but I think we both needed it, so maybe it was at least cathartic.

I don't know if we will talk again, and don't even bring up the idea of getting back together - there's still a lot of pain there, but I'm glad he apologized, even if it took him seeing me looking good and happy to come realize how awful he was to me in the end.

I had a dream about Karl's mom last night. I dreamed that I was going to visit my aunt lynne, and for some reason, in my dream, she lived a few houses down from Lori. My aunt lives in manteca, about twenty minutes down the highway from the town the K's live in, and both live in a culdesac, but in my dream they were on a street that looked a lot like my childhood neighborhood in Pittsburg.

Anyway, I got out of my car in front of my aunt's house with some banana nut bread wrapped in foil in my hand. Not sure why, but I decided to walk down the street and I stopped in front of the K's. I realized where I was and abruptly turned around to walk away. Lori came out of the house and told me I didn't need to run away, that I could come in.
I started to cry in my dream and told Lori that I had really wanted to be a part of her family and I was sad that I didn't get to see them anymore. She hugged me and we went in the house.
We talked for a long time in her kitchen, which looked a lot like my parent's new kitchen. When Karl and I were together and would visit his parents, his mom and I spent a lot of our time in her kitchen talking while she cooked and taught me about her recipes. That is what it felt like in my dream. We talked about life, my job, singing and theatre (because she used to be in choirs and loves theatre like me) and pretty much avoided the topic of the breakup.
We ate dinner, and at one point I noticed out the window that Karl had pulled up in his car, but I couldn't see him get out of the car, and eventually the car pulled away. But I remember being very apprehensive in my dream and feeling like I was on the verge of tears again.
Lori noticed and finally brought up the breakup. She seemed to be confused about why we were broken up. I began to tell her that Karl just gave up, but she didn't want to hear anything negative about her son and changed the subject.
I decided that I needed to leave because my family was waiting for me at my aunt's house. We started to walk through the house to leave and Lori started to get teary and asked again about the breakup. I cautiously started to tell her that K and I had a communication problem, that I wanted to work on it to get back to where we once were, which was a really healthy relationship with good communication for a little more than two years, but that he told me we didn't have a "connection" and that working on the relationship was "too hard." Which, if you don't know, are two things karl really did say in his pathetic and shit-filled attempt to end our 2 1\2 year relationship.
Lori got very angry. She said, "Relationships ARE hard work, you have to work at them all the time." I told her that's what I told him, but he gave up; he just completely gave up.
She gave me a big hug and walked me out to the sidewalk. I walked back down the street to my aunt's and met up with Laura and Jason (my sister and her fiance who never comment here) and they convinced me that it would be a good idea to drive up to some cabin and go skiing. I went along and when we got there we realized we didn't have any skis and they wouldn't let us on the chair lift without skis, so we went home.

Then I woke up.

Three things:
1) What the....!?!?!?!
2) Why did I have banana nut bread in my hand and what did I do with it?
3) It's all Lisa's fault if the hooter's girls put something in my chicken wings last night after she made fun of their math skills in front of them.